Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Worst Neighbor Ever

Why I Want to Move, Reason #542

Last night I opened the bedroom windows before bed...it was quiet and peaceful, just the occasional chirp of a cricket. At 2 am, I am rudely awakened by the sound of our neighbor vomiting outside (which I can only hope was on his side of the fence). He coughs, and gags and splatters for the next half hour, and if he were a nice person, I would be sympathetic; Oh, poor guy! The stomach flu? Food poisoning? Why don't you use your toilet like everyone else?
But he's not a nice person. He is the opposite of a nice person. And the fact that he once bragged about his ability to down a gallon of vodka in one sitting and still be able to stand, makes me less sympathetic. The fact that the previous day he repeatedly yelled obscenities at my kids over our fence (Because they were making too much noise. In the middle of the day. In their own yard), making my daughter cry and scaring the other kids, makes me even less sympathetic...in fact, it makes me hope it was alcohol poisoning, or a 50 foot tape worm.

When we first moved in, I heard stories about him...but I'm naive. So what if he changed his name to that of a character in Greek mythology. Maybe he just needs a friend! I thought. I'm sure he's not that bad. And I was right...he DID need a friend. Because, according to him, his best friend was shot. Then his other friend was crushed in a combine*. Then his other friend (Jo Dee Messina) was burned at the stake.Then he warned me that he was cursed.
*For those of you who desire a better visual.
But still...I was nice. Even after I witnessed him chasing kids down the sidewalk on Halloween, screaming and pelting them with tiny chocolate bars, I was nice. Even when he told me he had temporary blindness, I doubted him, but instead of pushing him into the street, I walked him back home. I've called 911 for him several times...heart problems, severed fingers (It was a knife fight! No! I was cooking! No! I did it to myself!). But when his dog bit my son, I decided I was done humoring him and I called the police.They quarantined the dog, and fined him. (And then he slammed my kids on Facebook, and then blocked me for being unreasonable.) But they brought the dog back, and it has since chewed through our fence three times. It's to the point where I check the backyard for Cujo before I let the kids out. But I don't think the dog has ill intentions...I think it's just trying to get as far away from his owner as possible, by whatever means necessary. The man has been arrested several times in the years we've been here, but they always bring him back. I don't think they know what to do with him either. Although they could just ask me. I have several suggestions.

I think I would probably win "The-Most-Awful-Horrible-Terrible-Neighbor-Ever" contest, but I take solace knowing that one day soon, we will move and I just pray that he is inside his house when any prospective buyers stop by. Until then, I am slowly getting my revenge. Just yesterday, I weeded the garden and threw my weeds into his yard. I'm contemplating following the same technique the next time I scoop the dog poop.


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