*I found this in my drafts and decided to publish it. I think it was originally written for the "Scary Mommy" contest last year*
I may look like Laura Ingalls Wilder, but despite my sweet and innocent exterior, I am a Scary Mommy. Yes I am. Don’t argue with me. Why? WHY? Because I said so, dammit.
Oh, yes. I’m a very scary mommy. And it has nothing to do with the way I look first thing in the morning. Although, I will admit that since becoming a mommy, I’ve become less…becoming. Before staying home with the kids, I groomed, I tweezed, I painted, patted, straightened and fluffed. I could spend 45 minutes in front of the mirror with assorted beauty products, tinting, smoothing, lengthening and glossing. I blew out my hair and then carefully re-curled it. I wore jewelry…tons of jewelry. Rings on each finger, bangles up and down my arms, dangling necklaces. I even wore clean clothes and real pants. Now I’m lucky if I brush my teeth and comb my hair before twisting it up into it’s customary knot. I actually wore slippers (Slippers!) to the bus stop the other morning.
You can’t deny that’s pretty scary. Terrifying, even.
I asked my 6 year old if I was scary. And he giggled. I don’t know if that meant, “Ha! You! Scary? I walk all over you! You’re about as scary as limp toast.” I suppose it could mean that, but I’m pretty sure that it meant that I’m so scary that he was afraid to answer.
Flash back several months…a thunder storm woke my children and mommy, who will admit to being a tad unstable anyway, flipped out and took it out on them. Screaming, crying, throwing things, shaking the bed like a mad woman. I had my “NO WIRE HANGERS” moment and the next day I called the doctor. But even now, while heavily medicated, I can be pretty scary.
I fed my kids Eggo Waffles for dinner last night. Scary stuff. Have you looked at the ingredient list on those?? Terrifying. And then I let them have ice cream for dessert. Are you cringing yet? No?
I let them eat cookie dough and lick the cake batter of the beaters. Just think…all those raw eggs swimming with Salmonella. Scary.
I’ve made my son wear the same filthy socks for two days in a row, because I was slacking on laundry.
Scary? No? You need more dirty laundry?
I let my children watch Yo Gabba Gabba.
If that doesn’t scare the wits out of you then there is nothing more I can do here.