Monday, June 7, 2010

Scary Mommy

*I found this in my drafts and decided to publish it. I think it was originally written for the "Scary Mommy" contest last year*


I may look like Laura Ingalls Wilder, but despite my sweet and innocent exterior, I am a Scary Mommy. Yes I am.  Don’t argue with me. Why? WHY? Because I said so, dammit.

Oh, yes. I’m a very scary mommy. And it has nothing to do with the way I look first thing in the morning. Although, I will admit that since becoming a mommy, I’ve become less…becoming.  Before staying home with the kids, I groomed, I tweezed, I painted, patted, straightened and fluffed. I could spend 45 minutes in front of the mirror with assorted beauty products, tinting, smoothing, lengthening and  glossing.  I blew out my hair and then carefully re-curled it. I wore jewelry…tons of jewelry. Rings on each finger, bangles up and down my arms, dangling necklaces. I even wore clean clothes and real pants.  Now I’m lucky if I brush my teeth and comb my hair before twisting it up  into it’s customary knot. I actually wore slippers (Slippers!) to the bus stop the other morning.

You can’t deny that’s pretty scary.  Terrifying, even.

I asked my 6 year old if I was scary. And he giggled.  I don’t know if that meant, “Ha! You! Scary? I walk all over you! You’re about as scary as  limp toast.” I suppose it could mean that,  but I’m pretty sure that it meant that I’m so scary  that he was afraid to answer.

Flash back several months…a thunder storm woke my children and mommy, who will admit to being a tad unstable anyway, flipped out and took it out on them.  Screaming, crying, throwing things, shaking the bed like a mad woman. I had my “NO WIRE HANGERS” moment and the next day I called the doctor.  But even now, while heavily medicated, I can be pretty scary.




I fed my kids Eggo Waffles for dinner last night.  Scary stuff. Have you looked at the ingredient list on those??  Terrifying.  And then I let them have ice cream for dessert.  Are you cringing yet? No?

I let them eat cookie dough and lick the cake batter of the beaters. Just think…all those raw eggs swimming  with Salmonella. Scary.

I’ve made my son wear the same filthy socks for two days in a row, because I was slacking on laundry.
Scary? No? You need more dirty laundry?

Ok.

I let my children watch Yo Gabba Gabba.



If that doesn’t scare the wits out of you then there is nothing more I can do here.

30 comments:

Mrsblogalot said...

It's so comforting to know that you are just as scary as the rest of us (-:

Mama Grits said...

Ok. Too much. About to pee. Yo gabba gabba has to be scarier than a real live mommy. The "real pants" part is crackin me up. You know it's bad when your kids are like "are you gonna wear THAT?" as you hop into the car to take them to school. And when they were only 5 & 9. Yup, I too am scary mommy to a T.

Karen Mortensen said...

I think I am in this group too. Glad I am not alone.

Mandy said...

My daughter loves Yo Gabba Gabba...glad I'm not alone in letting her watch it!

Brian Miller said...

ok i wasnt too scared until you got to yo gaba gabba...yikes!

Nancy C said...

I love this. I am terrifying most days...from unwashed hair to picking thing up off the floor and eating them, I need to be sent off to Charm School immediately.

Also, I can see why you liked my background.

Love this blog. Coming back for sure.

Sunday said...

Okay, I happen to think that Yo Gabba Gabba is pretty cool.

And by pretty cool I mean the guys who thought it up are obviously freebasing some pretty sweet stuff cause that show is whacked. But my boys love it and I do love Brobee myself.

Thats it, I'm scary too.

Sarah said...

You should have your own TV Show! LOL. You are hilarious! ...Never heard of the kids show Yo Gabba Gabba, but I will be keeping my eye out for it now.

Naturally Single Mom said...

Well if that's all it takes to be scary, I guess I'm in the club too. We sometimes eat ice cream for BREAKFAST. Just because. ;)

Said by the mom who sometimes wanders around singing Yo Gabba Gabba songs because they get stuck in my head. And whose daughter owns a pink Brobee sweatshirt, that I am proud to say that I bought her. ;)

Amo said...

My son loves YGG and Lazytown. Lazytown is pretty scary, too. And the other night, my son ate cherries and ice cream for dinner. Very scary.

Sharlene T. said...

I think it's scarier to find out you're pretty normal!Haven't seen Yo Gabba Gabba. Probably won't...Great post...

The Empress said...

Oh,me, too...I've gone beyond scary to gross in every way including ugly feet mama..

twirl unabashedly said...

wait- the dr will do something about those moments? is your doctor a magical babysitter? cause mine is not. sigh.

Aging Mommy said...

Great post! I have given up trying to stop my three year old daughter eating raw batter and cookie dough! I wear jewelry so rarely now that last time I put on my wedding and and engagement rings I had to think about which hand to put them on, I kid you not :-)

blueviolet said...

Eggos are bad? Seriously? I'm not even casting blame on the socks. I feel ya on that one.

Henrietta said...

lol, I think we've all done a few of those things! Scary mommy often comes out around here too,. Thanks for the laugh!

Supermanslady said...

I had to make an extra counseling appointment the week I saw my first Yo Gabba Gabba!!! That stuff is FREAKY!!!

:-)

Holly said...

Haha! I think I am competing with you!

Willoughby said...

Great stuff! You crack me up!

I started to leave you a much longer comment, but it inspired me to write a whole post on my blog. I hope it's okay if I link back you!

Robyn{Lee} said...

"There's a party in my tummy!!! So YUMMY SO YUMMY!!" : ) Hahaha.. great post, and nope didn't scare me!! ; ) I'm such a geek, that I was searching youtube for their videos because I wanted to hear that song one day... for some reason... Hmm... : )

Bossy Betty said...

Yes, Scary Mommy. Whatever you say, Scary Mommy.

Shelle said...

no scary mommies around here....but i do believe there live a mommy monster in the closets.

i can't believe after 12 years of standing at the bus stop I actually ventured out in pyjamas a couple of times in the past year.

No slippers though....uggs & flip flops take care of that...don't have to think about it, but the hair on the other hand...is a hard one to tame!

and i hope you don't have girls...you'll never own a piece of makeup, hair brush or razor again!!!

My name is PJ. said...

Had I read this 25 years ago, perhaps I would not have needed therapy! MWAHAHAHAHA!

The Blonde Duck said...

I think you sound like a cool mom!

panamamama said...

You are awesome! I feel like I need to be medicated lately. Good thing I have beer in the fridge...

宛儒DarwinM_Pawlak0203 said...

如果成為一支火柴,也要點亮一個短暫的宇宙;如果是一隻烏鴉,也要叫疼閉塞的耳膜。..................................................

Sonora said...

I don't think my last comment got published. If you see one twice, sorry.

I said that I think we can all relate. I KNOW I am scary mommy sometimes. I laughed so hard at the dirty socks part. I have done that more than once. I love your honesty! It is refreshing. :)

Debbie said...

Having older kids means I've never seen that Yo Gabba thing! Now that is the best part of raising teens so far:)

The Wifey said...

My kid is OBSESSED with Yo Gabba Gabba, and ya know what--- I LIKE IT TOO! How's that for scary? Haha.

Holly said...

The scariest part of this post is Yo Gabba Gabba! The rest of it I have done and proud of it...sort of.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails