Friday, February 19, 2010

What You Don't Expect

The "What to Expect" book series are very helpful...while pregnant, the first time, I often turned to "What to Expect When You're Expecting" very frequently. Am I having a heart attack?? Flip, flip, page 239...nope. Just heart burn.  I hate my husband. Should I get a divorce? Flip, flip, what page? Oh. Here it is. No divorce. It's just hormones. "What to Expect The First Year" was also very helpful in reminding me that I was doing everything incorrectly. At first, I cared. Then I didn't. I will take my child to bed with me if I damn well please, thank you. Why yes, I do pick my baby up when he cries.  Bite me. Shortly there after, I stopped reading the "What to Expect" books, because all I'd come to expect was being told how wrong I was doing everything. And I already have no doubt that my parenting skills are...um...well, less than what you'd expect. I don't need a book to tell me that.

But, there are several things that these wonderful books failed to mention. There should have been a "What You Don't Expect and No One is Going to Tell You Because You're Going to Have a Baby Anyway" section. There are a few things I would have liked to have added.

It goes into quite the detail when telling you the layette requirements, even to how many safety pins one might need if cloth diapering. But it doesn't say anything about ear muffs.

But you need them. Of course, before you have children you are aware that they're loud, that they cry and scream. You just don't realize the power behind that noise. A child's scream has the ability to clear a room of dogs, cats and husbands. And not only do they have volume, they have incredible staying power. It can go on and on and on...and on.  Ear muffs, I think, may be the answer. You can even get some for the dog.

Mutt Muffs!


Then there's poop. Again, the books go into great detail about the color and the various textures of  poop. But it fails to mention just how much there will be. It's great that breastfed babies poop will be yellow in color. But when it squishes out of the back of the diaper and all over the onesie, your shirt, your hands and arms, it doesn't offer any advice on the best way to remove the soiled onesie from the soiled baby. Nor is there advice on the most effective way to remove poop from baby hair after you've pulled the onesie up over their head. Some sage advice on what to do when the baby starts pooping while you're changing the diaper would have come in handy as well. Some alternate baby-safe swear words would have been a nice addition for when the above incidents happen in the mall or the grocery store.

Oh, there are so many more. Perhaps I should write a book.

120 comments:

Jessica said...

I think the world is in dire need of a real mommies perspective of child birth / rearing entails.
If that isn't the best form of birth control, I don't know what is.

JamieLynn said...

You probably could write a book. Another thing that you should be warned about is that when your baby is with grandma for just a few hours somehow every bit of schedule you had for baby will be thrown out the window. A baby who would usually sleep fine on it's own now expects you to hold and rock it the entire time because grandma did it even though you told her not to.

Daffy said...

I thought I read that you ate your husband....I was thinking DAMN you were hungry! Then I realized it was just that you Hate....oops...sometimes I did that while reading that book too. Probably why my kid is addicted to whiskey now....

Amber Page Writes said...

I would read that book. I've actually cut clothes off my daughter so I didn't have to pull the poop over her head...

Tiffany said...

i never read those, though, i think i was given the what to excpect when you're expecting book as a gift while pregnant the first time. i didn't want to read about being pregnant--i lived, ate, breathed being pregnant all the time. i was kind of over it.

and i didn't know poop could be projectile until i had children. flying poop, white shirt--it wasn't pretty.

Missy said...

You are so right! My sister in law asked why I didn't tell her things like this before the baby came and I'm like, "because 1) you wouldn't have believed me and 2) it was too late at that point - no need to ruin those last months of pregnancy with worry!"

Angie Muresan said...

Yes, I believe you should write a book. In any case, it will be tons more fun to read.
By the way, my email address is:
angiemuresan(at)gmail(dot)com

Mandy said...

Hahahaha....love this!

Willoughby said...

Ha! I thought I was the only one who hated the advice given in those books! I remember reading about giving your kids wheat germ on their cereal. It said "you'll be so pleased when your kids are begging for more wheat germ on their cereal while your slack-ass neighbor's kids are begging for sugar on theirs." That may or may not be a direct quote. FYI, neither of my kids like cereal. I've considered letting them eat the sugar right out of the bowl just to spite the authors of those books.

mrs_muffins said...

Omigosh! You know what, I thought the same thing, like a gazillion times. And I thought I would write a book too. But you know why I think there isn't one of these "What You Didn't Expect" books... because it would scare the bejesus out of poor little women and then they would never have kids and the world would end.

Now, we do have somewhat of an overpopulation problem here on Earth, so I say, lets get writing. Ha!
xx

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You are good with words so you should write a book....one that's an honest view of it all.

Michele said...

I think you totally should write a book!!! That would be hysterical.
I've thought about it myself - hey, perhaps we could collaborate on something together :) LOL

Fortuitous Photography said...

This is too flipping funny! Please darling...WRITE THAT BOOK! it would confirm my decision not to procreate; but more importantly it would be a book about child-rearing that I would read the hell out of and probably laugh so hard I'd break a rib! Sign me up for a pre-order! Btw.....reminds me of some books I came across that I think you will get a kick out of. Remind me to send them to you!

Tina said...

oh...good, I was really glad to see you say you don't love the what to expect books....I could never get into them...we broke all the rules.

Robyn{Lee} said...

Hahaha, YES, please just write this book! : ) Heck, maybe you could get some of your bloggy friends to all contribute some of their best ideas and put it all together? : )

Love the pic to go along with the poop story, hahaha! : )

Marla said...

Are you kidding me? I have been reading through your older posts and YES.....you definately should write a book!!

Maven said...

I honestly think you're onto something - you SHOULD write a book. I laughed all the way through this.

Wonderful!

Holly said...

My friend calls those books "What to Expect and make your Paranoid..." I gave all of mine away soon after #1 was born.

Brian Miller said...

haha. i found a waterhose is helpful inthose diaper explosion moments...but do bring the ear muffs in case the water is cold.

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAAA! I never read one "how or what to" book on anything. Especially pregnancy and raising kids....imagine how depressed I would have been early on? Especially about the poop!!! (-:

My name is PJ. said...

You should! You should!

Did you breast feed? I did. Back then they told you to prepare your nipples by scrubbing them every night in the shower. WTF? They should have told me to use 100 grid sandpaper! The first week or so after my first child was born,it felt like they'd exploded and were left in rubble!

Christine said...

Oh the things that were so not in the books.
yes...yes...write something practical, would you?! I think you could be the next Dr. Spock. Minus the ugly.

Lafe's Hidden Treasures said...

another great read! I enjoy reading your posts even though I don't have babies...I laugh. thanks for the smile.

suzicate said...

Great idea, but if women knew EVERYTHING, they might not have kids! Write it and sell it with birth control products. This was a really funny post.

Susan Fobes said...

I did the same as you and got both editions with my first-I gave up with my second... LOL!

3LittleMonkeys said...

HAHA...so true! I also used those same books with my kids. They are currently collecting a lot of dust on the book shelf. I think you should write a book about what NOT to expect!

IASoupMama said...

Excellent! What fun!

Eva Gallant said...

That was hysterical! I especially liked the mutt muffs!

Erin said...

Um, I cut many a onesie off of my kids when the poop was really bad. I know that is terrible, but I didn't want to pull them off over heads and make a bigger mess.

And we used earplugs. Ear muffs are much too cumbersome.

;-)

Sunday said...

You most definitely should write a book and if you need a co-author I am all over it!
Cause nothing is worse than poop issues with a 5 and 7 year old who are still in diapers.
DAMN!

Linda said...

Oh yes and a book on how not to killl your children in Costco. I could have used that today. Happy SITS Saturday.

Existential Waitress said...

sos, so true! with my first I kept these books by my bedside and referred to them religiously. but the time I had my daughter 2 years later, i never even cracked one.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I think we could all write a book together, no? I mean, between the various things out there that aren't written down, we could all create our own "True Parenting Moments" book! Although we're also doing that now, SHARING thru blogging! I LOVE this blogging thing! ;) And I totally could have used those Hazmat suits when my lil one was teeny tiny! Amazing how the stench of a barely 10lb baby can take over the house!

Mommyof2girlz said...

The book was my bible, but you are correct you will find out first hand a ton of things and then ask yourself "why the hell wasn't that in the book!"...lol Thanks for stopping by today hun :)

Acting Balanced Mom said...

stopping by from SITS - totally agree that you should write the book :)

mrs. b. said...

HAHAHA! so, you're writing the book, right? make sure you let me know as soon as it's published! i will most *definitely* be reading it. :)

--Tumbleweed said...

I've got one...

How not to have a complete meltdown when you find your precious baby girl sans diaper and painted in her own excrement. Or worse, what to do when you are like my friend with twins that painted each other!

Sarah said...

I just laughed out loud! You are so right. I need a tutorial on removing soiled onesies, thank you very much!!

Amo said...

So true!! So true!! There isn't a section on "My kid won't eat anything I give him. What do I do?" No one tells you. Or "My kid bangs his head on the wall on purpose, repeating 'Ow, ow, ow'. What do I do?" No help. I did so much research before i had my first son and I can't say any of it helped me that much. Please write the book!

magically ordinary said...

So true! So funny! Glad I stumbled on to your blog. Love it!

Angie S said...

HA! Such a great post...write that book, I'll buy it :P

Flory said...

Oh, I am so glad I'm over the poop going up the baby's back. And finding one of them playing with their own poop. Gag!

When did I become my Mom said...

You should write a book! Bet it would be useful AND funny. I have the best pic of my father beaming at his granddaughter... then another of him looking slightly panicked with a tell-tale yellow streak up the back of her onesie.... aaaah poop. ;-)

The Waylaid Wordsmith said...

Bleh, I HATE the What to Expect books. Booo!

You, on the other hand, should certainly write a book. I'll be first in line to buy it, guaranteed!

What gets me every time is that I'm on my second child and I STILL don't ever know what to expect! It's all new surprises this time around...how many kids until I'm an expert??

Together We Save said...

Very funny!! I have cut off a onesie to keep the poop mess to a minimum.

Juliana said...

This was wonderful!!!! We all should get together and write a book! My favorite is The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy by Vickie Ivone? It is great stuff. So-I FINALLY mailed out your giftcard and it was returned because I am a MORON. I have been stuck in bed for awhile being sick, but I am going to resend it out tomorrow morning. Dang, I could have walked to your house and gotten it there soooner. SORRY!

Nezzy said...

Write the book baby, It'll be a best seller! Heeehehe!

God bless and have the best day!!!

Amie said...

You are so right that you need the books at first and then you just need to throw them away. Also, your are so right that not a single on of those books explains the intensity of every aspect of babyhood and motherhood. You SHOULD write this book.

Always Home and Uncool said...

My Love stopped reading her copy because it failed to offer a proper postpartum martini recipe.

毛衣 said...

Fancy may kill or cure...................................................

TuTu's Bliss said...

Yes you should write a book!! I like "Literary Mama" over "What to Expect". I think you will like it too and they take submissions. (I am not paid to say that. There just aren't very many quality publications that give motherhood space in the literary world)HUGS!!

TuTu's Bliss said...

P.S: Now I'm off to make a screwdriver with an orange if I can find a clean glass. Thanks for the craving ;)

The Wifey said...

I stopped with "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and I've been winging the first year. Haha.

That onesie thing is a shame. Tell me when you figure that one out. So many good onsie's have been cut off and thrown into the bin because I didn't want to pull them up over my little girl's face.

Shelley said...

I would so buy this book, just because I would want to see if everything you are talking about mimics my life any more exactly than your post just did.
HOWEVER, IF you wrote this book, it would have to NOT be for sale to anyone who was NOT ALREADY pregnant. Because if there was a book out there with the TRUTH, and non-preggers read it, that would be the end of the race as we know it. Just sayin'.
Great post.

Molly said...

I have never bought so much Spray N Wash since having babies. All that poop, I shudder at the memory.

bradsmom06 said...

HAHAHA! First time reader and I am already hooked after reading one post! You had me laughing out loud! Very funny....you SHOULD read a book!!

italianmamachef said...

I hope you do write a book! I think you would be great and funny too.

3boyzmom said...

Hi! I'm a new follower from Friday Follow!

I look forward to reading your posts!

Tangie (3boyzmom)
http://saveyourmoneymama.blogspot.com

Yellow House Knits said...

Love your blog title! Found you on Friday Follow. Have a great weekend.

yellowhouseknits.blogspot.com

The Stanley Family said...

This is hysterical - and VERY true!!

Happy Friday Follow! I'm your newest following friend. I'd love for you to drop by my blog sometime. While you're there, you can enter to win a 10x10 Photographic Print by Red Leaf Photography that is amazing!! I hope to see you around soon!!

http://savingsandstewardship.blogspot.com

joeandbridge said...

Hi There! I'm a new follower from Friday Follow! Hope you can come visit my blog!
Have a great weekend!

Bridgette Groschen
The Groschen Goblins
http://www.groschengoblins.blogspot.com/

Willoughby said...

I have an award for you on my blog!

faithfulma said...

Happy friday follow, I'm a new follower!
Stop buy blissful babble soon :)
Gods blessings on your weekend

Mommy Words said...

As I type this my 5 week old is nursing and very loudly pooping that orange junk. We could write this book together - I thought those books were crap!

I am popping by from Friday Follow but I have been following for awhile!

Sarah Lynne said...

Happy Friday!!! I am a new follower!!

Sarah

sarahsblogoffun.blogspot.com

Lady V dZine said...

Happy Friday Follow!
Virginia
http://ladyvdzine.com

SH said...

Oh SO true ! i'm following from friday follow www.bargainfun.blogspot.com

Tanya said...

Great post! Found you through FF.

Kris (Good Steward) said...

OH EM GEE! You had me rolling! I stopped reading those books as faithfully as I used to as my daughter got older. Google is my friend, which leads me to interesting posts like this one.

I am following your blog. Good stuff! Oh, and I love the article about Manscaping. I like a manly man too!

Take care!

The Amazing Life of Z. Camille
http://talzc.blogspot.com

Darcy said...

stopped by from friday follow!

justanightowl.com

Heather McDougle said...

I'm following you from Friday Follow!
Heather
http://www.ratherbechangingdiapers.com/

Hil'Lesha said...

Happy Follow Friday!

Please check out my blog at http://www.tothemotherhood.com.

Christine said...

I'm just checking in on you, you busy looking for a publisher? :D
Take care! ((HUGS))

kp Libretto said...

Yes, yes, you should. Feel free to hit me up for ideas on why not to trust birth control...

Cameron said...

SO GLAD YOU POSTED THIS. I am 7 plus mos pregs and so many people have given me BOOKS, I very very very rarely flip through, they are usually so freaking judgy and make me feel like an asshole of a mom before I've even given birth. all the talk of AVOID ALL SUGAR" and god forbid you have a teeny tiny bit of wine in 9 freaking months.

anyhew, you should write a non judgey book.

And, you should get EAR PLUGS, the cheap orange ones at the pharmacy are athe best.

too bad they don't make them for the pets too!!!
OH PS: MY FRIENDS CUT THE ONESIEZ OFF THE BABY BODY WHEN THE POO EXTENDS THE LENGTH OF THE BACK, just throw it away! my tip of the day :)
Cameron
www.conquerthemonkey.com

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

You should write a book. You are hilarious. And I just wrote a post on why I am no longer buying any new mom blankets or soft toys or other useless crap for baby showers anymore since I have realized that what new moms need most is a heavy duty industrial strength biohazard suit with matching gas mask. Great minds think alike huh?

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

Haha, pretty funny stuff! Stopping by from SITS for your feature day.

Actually replace the word "baby" with the word "menopause" and you get a whole 'nother surprise later in life. Only you're the one who is screaming. And you feel like $#&@.

Happy SITS Day!!

Pregosaur said...

LMAO I love this! I think that book would be a best seller...and soooo much more helpful than 99% of the baby books that are out there!

Jenny said...

Write that book! So funny! Stopping by from SITS! Happy SITS day!!

http://sidac.blogspot.com

alessandra said...

Yes you should!
So, so true, besides, happy Sits day.

cheri said...

oh, ta\hat book should've been written already! that should control the population :)

happy SITS day :)

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Baby poop seems to be a very common problem and a hot topic among first-time mothers! Maybe you should write a book just focused on that alone!

Congrats on your SITS day!

Raine @ Mama Rants said...

Stopping by from SITS! :)

Loved the post, and you should totally write the book. I read the "what to expect" books way before I got pregnant, then skipped them during the pregnancy in favor of parenting & birth blogs - turns out a lot of people dislike WTE because of all the negative talk.

Dawn said...

I never expected to talk so much about poop before I had kids!!! Thanks for the laugh this morning! Congrats on your SITS day-enjoy!!!

Astrid said...

Amen!

Somebody really SHOULD write that book. I'll admit I never read the what to expect books...so I was really in for it! LOL!
Happy SITS day!

Double Wide Mom said...

from SITS. Hilarious stuff. I'm thinking of writing What to Expect with Teenagers. All it contains is a giant "?"

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I remember the pooping while I changed a diaper. It was the worst.

Snuggly Monkey mama said...

Happy SITS Day! So very very true! I have always felt like there needs to be more out there about what it is "really" like to be pregnant and have kids. Hilarious!

Tsquared417 said...

There are SO many more!!

jeanne @ Inspiring Ideas said...

Love it! Thanks for sharing! Happy SITS day!

Erin said...

My son just gave me a funny look for laughing so hard over this. If you don't write it someone should!

simplysandi said...

Stopping by from SITS. Love your writing style

Melissa @ Cellulite Investigation said...

Mutt muffs. What a lucky pooch you must have!

Aging Mommy said...

This is a great post - you and I think alike! I wrote two posts recently one entitled things I wish I had known before having a baby and the other things I am glad I did not know - poop explosions being one of the latter!! There are definitely so many more - I had to stop around ten but could have gone on indefinitely!!

Great post - Happy SITS day and I too love your writing

Marie said...

Oh my gosh I think that book needs to be written.... :)

Kerri said...

That is freakin' hilarious. SO true! Especially the poop and onesie thing. Ewww!!
Happy SITS day!

Joann Mannix said...

Happy SITS day!!

How about the what do with the encrusted spitup you never noticed going down the back of your shirt as you went about your day. I felt like one giant spit up rag when my kids were little.

And those What To Expect books drove me to utter distraction! And yes, I put them away when the 2nd baby came. It made life much more relaxing.

Ashley said...

That was so true!!
I'm sure that book would be a best seller!

Carrie said...

Congrats on your SITS day!

Yeah, once I had my second kid I didn't pick up a single book. I found I'd do things my way and if the kid survived, it was a success. If she didn't...well, we won't go into that ;) Needless to say I still have both of them around.

There really should be a Real Life Parenting book: everything you NEED to know cause it might happen to you. Screw the Real Housewives crap, they should do a show about Real Moms

Sarah said...

I'm not a mom yet, and this post is SCARY :)

Congrats on your SITS day!!

Herself said...

Hysterical!

I'd have liked to have been warned about:

*The breathing techniques they teach you in birthing classes DO NOT WORK. I want my money back.

*There is NOTHING glamorous or romantic about having a baby at home.

*Baby boys are born with erections

*Discovering perfectly lined up buggars on the wall next to toddler boy's bed

*Buying gender-neutral toys does not accomplish whatever it was I thought it would accomplish.

*Little boys LOVE to be gross. Little girls love to pretend they don't.

Caitlin @ Pacifier In My Pocket said...

Amen! Love this post...made me laugh out loud!

gringationcancun said...

I need to call my mother and apologize! poor woman.

Christa Terry said...

Hee! I stopped reading my pregnancy book about a chapter in - I'd looked it all up prior to conceiving, and I didn't want my baby compared to a lima bean and then various other foods as she grew. Boring stuff.

Haven't read the child raising books, either. I have six younger siblings - figure I'm good to wing it.

http://www.rockonmommies.com/rachael said...

loved your post! too funny, and so true...YES, you should write a book!
Happy SITS day!

MommyNaniBooboo said...

True, true, true, and TRUE.
Happy SITS day!
Love your blog.
I'll be back to visit!

Zeemaid said...

I love it!!! All us moms should get together and write that because I am sure we all have a whole lotta unique perspective!

Happy FB Sits day!

chele said...

Hilarious! I read the first "What to Expect" book 20 years ago when I had my first. I didn't really bother four years later when I had my second. I knew not to have any expectations!

Lucie said...

Hello! I am visiting you from SITS! Congrats to your own SITS day :-)

I have to say that even though I haven't been a new mommy in about ten years...reading what you wrote...sleeping with baby in spite of the books, how to change baby with poop leaking all over the place...I totally recall and agree with you! I would love to see new books with a hint of reality in them also! More power to ya!

Blessings,
Lucie

Modern Style Mama said...

Oh how much I agree. I Reality of motherhood is so different from what you expect it to be. I would love write a book or at the very least read a book, about the reality of it all and how different women cope with it.

By the way I found you on SITS! Happy SITS DAY!!!

Young Wife said...

Tee hee! I'd buy a copy. Happy SITS Day.

Lorri Jeanne said...

LOL, so true!

Cheryl said...

How funny! Don't feel bad, I didn't do anything right either but my 14 year old seemed to turn out just fine!

Nightingale said...

Happy SITS DAY!
I really shouldn't have read this post while I was eating breakfast....uhhhhh
Sounds like a book that needs writing though? I think you would do a great job at that. Im not having kids and hell Id buy it for the laugh and that Ive witnessed a lot of this with my friends!

Love Nightingale

Lourie said...

Babies do all kinds of things you never thought another human being could do. And yes it would be nice to have a real idea of what it is going to be like.

Happy SITS Day!!

caitysparkles said...

Haha this entry gave me a chuckle. I adore your writing style. I definitely think that life needs to have some sort of handbook. I often worry that I'll need one when I'm a parent but then other times when I'm around children I am content that I'll figure it out for myself. I guess certain days it will always switch between those two, won't it?

Heather said...

LOVING the "toxic waste dumping" photo. Having kids really is like that sometimes, huh?

It's certainly not for the faint of heart.

Happy SITS day!

MommaKiss said...

I haven't read all of the comments, but one thing someone told me that I doubt would ever be written in a book:
"Your kids? You will always always love them. That said, sometimes you will not like them."
Good lord, did that help me many a night when I was all "WHY WILL YOU NOT STOP CRYING?!" Love - always there, like, not so much :p

Melissa Mashburn said...

My daughter screamed non stop for her first two years, at least it seemed that way. None of those books prepared me for two years worth of screaming. Ear muffs would have helped though.

JENIE=) said...

SALUTE to you dear friend! those comments...more than a hundred! just like me, they can't resist with the way you write, dawn! really...magnificent!

kids...but no matter what they do we just love them to the extreme!

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