Saturday, January 9, 2010

Warning: Long post. About groceries. You've been warned.

Hell is not scorching flames or dense black smoke, stinging the eyes of the evildoers. There are no pitchforks, or red fleshed devils dancing on the broken bones of the heartless. No.


Hell is aisle after aisle of cleaning supplies, produce, frozen vegetables, lunch meat, eggs and diapers. In Hell, you can buy your feminine hygiene products, pick up a bag of cat food, buy paint, poor quality clothes, towels and small household appliances. Tinny pop music filters down from the ceiling and there are people converged around the discounted rack of Christmas decorations. Yes.

Walmart. Is. Hell.

Add in three small, extremely irritated children, a squeaky cart, a huge list and a very small budget. In no time at all, your face will become very red and you'll be looking for a pitchfork, or any other sharp, pointed object with which you would like to poke people. Three small children included.

I had to park at the very edge of the parking lot, because the lot was still snowpacked and therefore there are no lines. Therefore, people forget how to park straight. Therefore, the area that once could hold 50 cars now can only hold 25. It was also zero degrees out. We trudge to the store, baby, purse, cloth bags and cart cover in one hand, Delaney's hand in the other, yelling at Nick TO STOP RUNNING!

I'm gasping for air and pissed off before we even get our cart. And since Walmart only seems to carry one of the carts that actually has the seats for extra kids, I never get one (and it always ticks me off when I see someone in the store with it and they only have one kid in it. It makes me want to say bad words.)


So I get a regular one and set Delaney in the basket part, the baby in the baby seat.

"I DON'T WANT TO RIDE IN THE CART!" She screams. Did I mention that on the way to the store she had fallen asleep in the car and I had to wake her up? Did I mention what a MONSTER she is when that happens? No? Oh. Well. She did, I did and she is.

"I don't care," I say. Reasonably calm. "We will do this fast. In and out, quick and it will be done." Just like sex.
"WAHHHHHH," scream the baby.
"I'm being good mom," says Nick. Kiss up, I think.
"Yes, you are. Thank you. Would you like to carry the list?" I ask him. He takes it and Delaney screams again.

People are starting to stare and I've only been in the door 30 seconds. I seriously contemplate turning around and leaving. And would have, if we weren't in such desperate need of so many things. I could tell that it was not going to go well.

Ok. Breath in. Not too deeply. Why does Walmart always smell like old socks? Breath out. Ok. You can do this. Bananas. Check. Apples. Check.


(bad banana)

And on down the list. If I keep the cart moving, Delaney can't try and crawl over the side so I grab things as I rush by. Tortillas. Check. Bread. Why do they never have the kind of bread I like?? Ok, fine. I'll get this one. About 5 loaves of it because suddenly toast is all Nick will eat. Which is also why I need a new toaster. Next aisle... Ok, lady, yes, I see you're in a motorized cart. That doesn't mean you can park it sideways in the aisle. I know you can see me, don't act so enthralled with that box of rice. It says 90-seconds. Now move. MOVE!

"Excuse me," I say politely. Not a flicker. Do I ram her? Tempted. Sigh. "EXCUSE ME!"

She moves about 2 inches. Sigh. I inch around her. I may have accidentally bumped her.

"Nick! Get off the floor!"
"Nick, get over here! NOW!"
"Nick, look out. They are trying to get around you."
"Nick, let me have the li...Nick. Where is the list??"
Silence.
"Dunno," he shrugs.
Sigh.
I have to get Delaney out because there isn't room anymore. Grand.
"Nick and Delaney! Come back here!"
"Delaney! PUT THAT DOWN!"
"But I love it! I want it!" She whines.
"You don't even know what it is."
"MOM!" Nick shouts! "Crush cups! I have to have these!"
"You don't like yogurt."
"BUT CRUSH CUPS! I know I'd like them."


Ah, the wonders of advertising. With a clever enough campaign, I bet they could even make the kid willing to drink his own urine. Because usually when I suggest yogurt, he acts like that's exactly what I've asked him to do.

Anyway...I finish my shopping, sans list, shouting and hollering at three children. Is there any wonder that I forgot several prime items? It's tough to make tacos without taco shells. If one more person looked at me and said "Looks like you have your hands full! Ha, ha!" when they meant "God woman, curb your frickin' kids!" I was going to impale them on that pitchfork.

In the check out line, I get the woman who bags groceries like she no doubt drives...15 miles below the speed limit. And I like my canvas bags. But she obviously hated them and she made sure I noticed how much more difficult they were for her to deal with. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone in line. I could read their minds. And it wasn't nice. Then I pull out my checkbook and cash to pay, and I swear I could hear people behind me moan. Hey. Give me a break people! At least I'm not counting out pennies.


To sum things up: I got groceries. I got all three kids in the car. I got us home. I got all groceries put away. I got migraine.

The end.

40 comments:

Camille said...

Agreed. No kids to drag along but Walmart is where all things happy go to die. B hates going with me because I apparently walk too fast when in reality I'm just ready to get the heck outta there.

Every time I grab a buggy, it's the broken one.

There's always some rude pain in the tail standing in the dead center of the aisle blocking traffic from both ends.

And back home there is this lady that's worked there since the Super opened 7 years ago...and she feels the need to ask you why you're buying EVERY SINGLE IDEM. My mom went nuts on her one afternoon after she asked why she needed a fan, bed sheets, tampons, and a bottle of bleach. Mom told her it was to hide the dead body which was of course a lie, but the look on her face was AMAZING. Now we just avoid her line all together (even if it means waiting an extra twenty five minutes behind that old lady that counts out her pennies.)

I think after I have kiddos, I'll just make the hubby go out for groceries. :)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Super Walmart is a blessing and a curse....for all the reasons you mentioned. It is way to big to be able to accommodate kids for too long without having to bribe, I mean, console them about the length of time it takes you to get to one end of the store to another.

Now, I have to admit though, that after taking Baby Boo and she peed her pants, instead of me turning around and going home, I was one of those moms that let her stay in it because I refused to head back to Walmart again. One time a week is really all I can take.

While I'm at it...why do parents bring their kids when they are in need of a nap? So many kids by the late afternoon are fussing and crying. I just want to sit in the aisle and read them stories while they lay on their blankies.

Kristin said...

Every time we go there my son throws a fit. I think he might be trying to tell me something. Ah ha ha

AngieB said...

For several years now I've been getting up and going to the grocery when everyone else is asleep. Thank God for my 24-hour Kroger. The only people in the aisles are the stockboys, and they always leave enough room for a cart to get by (unlike the old people in the carts) and I do U-Scan so I don't actually have to interact with anyone. I always get the best parking space, too!

My name is PJ. said...

Today you made me laugh and sound like a cartoon character! Yeah. I've seen you at Walmart. I didn't know it was you, but I now there's a name to go with the loco motion! Next time I'll say hi!

I think my favorite line today was "I bet they could make a kid willing to drink his own urine."

mrs_muffins said...

Just reading about Walmart gives me a headache. One of the last times I went there, the guy that put my bags in my cart FORGOT to put one in and I didnt realize until I was almost home. So I had to turn around and go back in the damn place and stand in line at customer service FOREVER just so I could have my damn bag. Pardon my language.
xx

Brian Miller said...

walmart is too much for me...only if T and I go together do we survive, esp with the boys along...

blueviolet said...

How can one store cause one trip to be that much of a crap outing? It was hilarious for us though!

When did I become my Mom said...

After years of this, my husband insists on doing groceries alone, with me and kids in the car.

Begrudgingly I admit - it works.

Janie B said...

I remember those days. Someday you'll look back and smile at this memory (it won't seem as bad when your kids have kids of their own misbehaving in Walmart. ha!).

Christie O. said...

besides the snow, i thought you were writing a post about me. i feel for you sister. once after a trip like that, i dropped the very bottle of wine that i needed BECAUSE of that trip on the floor while trying to pay for it. It took everything i had to not drink (the new one) it in the car on the way home. hope the headache's gone!

Christella said...

Ah, did this post bring back suppressed memories, especially when I told one of my three sons that he couldn't have a particular item because we couldn't afford it.

He looked at me and asked a question I've never forgotten. "Well, can I steal it?"

I left the store immediately, before they could arrest us.

3LittleMonkeys said...

I got a headache just reading that. And why do we always get the squeaky cart???

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I agree, my head hurts FOR you. Ow. I was also holding my breath a bit. I always smile and try to offer a hand to someone in need when shopping. Too bad we don't go to the same Walmart. ;) At least it's over. For this time!

Susan Fobes said...

Almost every trip I take with my kids is an adventure, although your baby and toddler outweighs my two. Wine anyone?

Susan Fobes said...

Ooh, I almost forgot. I wanted to thank you for your thoughtful comments on my recent post. Your words meant the world to me...

Matty said...

I raised three children, so I feel your pain. The two advantages to Walmart are the prices and selection. You can pretty much find anything there, and at a decent price. HOWEVER, the parking is always atrocious, other drivers are unbelievable, there are always 10 go-zillion people in the store, and the lines are 14 miles long. And that's enough even without three kids. God bless you for surviving.

Erin said...

We are soulmates for sure.
I did the same thing today, but to the grocery store (so there was no old socks smell, at least). My girls fought over who got to ride in the cart. I had a looooong list, and about 3 people said, "oh, you must have your hands FULL!" I wanted to slap them. And then we had to go through the whole twins discussion with each of them, too. Fabulous. Today it warmed up to almost 20 degrees, but it was still in the teens when we went to the store. Today has been the warmest day we've had in over a week! So ready for all this snow to melt (I hope). Hubs saw how I looked when he got home from work and quickly agreed to take them off my hands for a bit. I was very grateful! Hope your migraine is better!

maggie said...

Truth is my kids always behaved when I took them shopping - never acted up..lucky me I know. Now Walmart that's another story...I will not shop there..HATE the place..UGH!!!!

Heidi said...

LOL! This describes a trip to Walmart perfectly for me!
I heard once that everytime a bell rings at walmart a mother beats her kid.
There was a shopping trip one time in December where my kids were such little hellans that I made them go home to bed instead of going to see Santa.
Hey I have an award for you on my blog. If you want to check it out in the morning!
Thanks for stopping by my blog today!

WhisperingWriter said...

Walmart is like an entirely different world to me.

Shopping with kids is not fun. I hate it. I really wish there were a room you could drop kids off in so you could shop in peace.

r u s s said...

Aww. I can imagine how stressed you must have been, but am glad you made it through. Two thumbs up for you. *Hugs*
••
It seems to me that Walmart should do some kind of renovating. I'm very particular with the smell of a place.Ö

Michele said...

How do you do it with 3 kids??
I have had pretty close to the same Walmart experience several times, but with only 1 kid in tow.

You rock! Not only surviving the experience, but writing a fantastic post about it as well!!

Oh, and i would have "accidently" bumped motorized cart lady too!!! ;)

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I really don't like grocery shopping as is, but throw in a cranky kid or two and it's downright hell; you have the description down!

I no longer take the kids with me if at all possible. It's "quality" time for them and daddy (i.e., sitting in bed with daddy, watching cartoons while he sleeps).

Amy said...

Wow, that sounds like one heck of a shopping trip! Hilarious for me to read horrible for you to live. I agree that shopping with kids can be a necessary evil. I don't envy you at all.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

funny thing is when i take the kids to wm, i am in and out in like 20 mins. when i go by myself i am gone for 3 hours. b/c i can actually peruse. and that's also when i tend to over spend.

Sissy said...

Oh bless your heart! I've taken that exact shopping trip many, many times. And every time I swear never to take those hooligans to the store again. And then I do it anyway. What the hell is wrong with me?

Mrsblogalot said...

Dawn, I have so many things to say about this (and once I stop laughing at the bad banana picture I might be able to get them out) but for now...get medicated before next time(-:)

The Blonde Duck said...

Excuse me. I need to go to church.

Buckeroomama said...

The (bad banana) comment and pic had me laughing my heart out! :)

I understand your pain. If I can avoid it, I try to do my grocery run sans kids. More efficient and less headache for me. Not to mention that I won't end up getting extra tubes of M%M's just so that we could move out of there faster!

panamamama said...

LOVE IT! The main reasons I don't go to Walmart unless the entire county (every store) is out of something they have. I hate that place. My son got lost in the supercenter when he was 4 and no one (NO ONE) would help me. I was dragging around the other two SCREAMING at the top of my lungs for them to lock the doors and find my kid. Luckily he was smart enough to go find someone and turn himself in. Didn't set foot in one again for two years (and wish I hadn't then!) Shopping is truly Hell! :)

Nezzy said...

I hate goin' to Wally~World without kids! I only take my grandkiddos if it's a dire emergency, I've got eight on 'em you know. I saw a Grandmother who had her very rambunctious grandson handcuffed to the cart, just walkin' along beside the cart freeing up the whole space for groceries. Hummmmmm, I'm thinkin' as a retired educator...this gal.....either this is abuse or Gram is one kind of genius!

Ya'll have a greatly blessed day!!!

Raelene said...

I completely understand how you feel. Can I just say though that you kept me laughing through the whole thing. You need to write a book!! I'd totally buy it:)

Catherine Anne said...

You make me laugh!!!

tattytiara said...

"With a clever enough campaign, I bet they could even make the kid willing to drink his own urine."

Still laughing.

Better luck with everything next time, hon!

kys said...

Wal Mart is the deepest circle of Hell. And those Crush Cups? Just thin yogurt. Waste. Of. Money.

Angie Muresan said...

I don't shop at Walmart because I do not want to subject myself to rude people or their rude thoughts. Long time ago I relegated the weekly grocery shopping to my husband. He goes at night, possibly before they close when the stores are empty and comes back with everything on the list and in half the time I would.
It's only fair after all I do raising his kids and keeping his house.

Kat @ www.TodaysCliche.com said...

Listen - you are PREACHING to the choir. Have 4 kids under 5 (well, now they're a smidge older)... but Walmart plus kids equals a HUGE nightmare. At least you're pulling out your checkbook and money... I just charge it b/c I have to get the h-e-l-l outta there.... and then just go into further debt.

I love the part about you not making eye contact w/anyone in line. SO true! I'll be sure to follow you...! Please do check me out... I love visitors as well!

Queen Mother said...

Came by on your SITS day. Congrats and I love you! could put myself in every minute. Thanks for the chuckle at your expense. Sorry!

Marla said...

Oh my gosh, I so love your writing!

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