Monday, January 18, 2010

Suicide

I've started this post about 10 times, and I keep deleting, retyping, deleting...my mind is so scattered lately that I'm having a hard time thinking coherent thoughts. We had a suicide in the family this weekend and I've been talking to my brother on the phone about it for the last hour. It's one of those acts that is so difficult to comprehend. In the darkest depths of my depression, when it physically hurt to get out of bed, when the thought of another day would send me into an anxiety attack, I never once reached for the gun. I won't deny that I thought about it, but instead, I went to the doctor and had my meds changed around. And here I am. Alive. When there are so many who choose not to be. I think about the children he left behind, his wife, his parents, and I hurt for them. Is there any worse way to lose a child? It's a selfish thing to do, yes, but who are we to judge?

My grandfather shot himself in the head a few years back and a "friend" told me he was going to hell for it. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I for one, do not believe in a God that is that lacking in compassion. To imagine the magnitude of the kind of despair, the kind of hopelessness that would bring someone to that end...it's heartbreaking. And my heart breaks for those who were close to him, to those who thought they could brighten his day, to make it all better, when they couldn't. No one can.

65 comments:

Molly said...

oh my, I am so very sorry to hear this. I agree, on one hand you think of all the person decided to leave behind. On the other, they must have been in such pain and desperation that they had no other choice. So sad.

Widge said...

that sucks. and yeah I agree with you, we can't judge...I feel for his family though :(

otin said...

I am actually an atheist and it makes it that much harder for me to comprehend suicide.

I think that people who say that someone is going to hell because of suicide are speaking without thinking. If they believe in God and think that God does everything for a reason, then obviously God had a reason for causing them to commit suicide.

I am sorry for your family loss.

Deb said...

first let me say how sorry i am for you and your family.

i have been thinking about this some lately, as a person that affected my family's life significantly just killed himself on new year's day.

i tried to wrap my head around it and was discussing it with my husband. i was saying how i couldn't understand why he did what he did, and my husband just looked at me and said, "well, that's because you aren't suicidal". so simple, but so true.

i am with you about the hell thing. my parents believe the same as your "friend." needless to say, it is a huge bone of contention between us (along with the bazillion other things on which we don't agree).

anyway, peace to you all. i imagine the emotions this tragedy has caused are complicated to say the least!!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm so very sorry. A classmate of mine committed suicide and he left his wife and kids to bear the weight of his actions. Apparently, the pain he was carrying was unbearable.

I can't understand it but to go to that drastic measure, there has got to be so much pain or fear in that person.

Daffy said...

The son of a very good friend of mine shot himself last year...exactly a year next week.

Its nearly impossible for me to wrap my brain around it...

No where in the Bible does it specifically say that a person who takes thier own life will be going to hell.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family....

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Im so sorry you are going through this. A friend of mine committed suicide during our senior year of high school. I believe this is the hardest way to lose someone. It leaves everyone with so many questions.
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

Maven said...

I am so incredibly sorry for you and your family to have lost a relative to suicide and your grandfather.

As life would have it, I was at the memorial service of a 14 year old boy today who died by suicide last Tuesday.

I commend you for writing about the is difficult and stigmatized subject. Suicide thrives in isolation and courageous people like you bring it into the light - and, I believe, have to potential to save lives.

blueviolet said...

I am so terribly sorry! I had a friend who found her mother and this all brings it back again. It's the ultimate selfish act and I can't help but think they know how much pain it will cause, yet their pain is simply too much to bear.

I just wish we had the chance to help those who have descended so deeply into misery before it's too late.

kys said...

I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm sure it brings up memories of your grandfather, too.

I believe in a loving God. People who say things about going to hell for this or that are NOT being loving and kind.

Amber Page Writes said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. The god I believe in doesn't punish for that kind of pain...anyone who says otherwise, is, well, just not someone I want to know.

I'm also glad you reached for the phone instead of the gun.

Rianna and Eli s Mommy said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know you will be in my prayers.

Susan Fobes said...

I believe in forgiveness even in that untimely end. I feel for you and the members of this person's family. (Everybody always blames themselves when this kind of thing happens...)

Christella said...

So sorry for your loss. No one knows or understand the pain that someone else feels. However

Erin said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry this happened, but I am glad we think alike on the suicide stuff. As you know, I have grappled with depression as well and for anyone to judge someone on account of it....isn't fair. Judaism doesn't look very kindly on it, either, but I feel like it's not up to us to decide. The person was in a place of pain so dark and desolate we can't imagine. I never would have acted on it, but I certainly entertained thoughts and I was a self-mutilator for years (which people often confuse with suicidal tendencies).

Again, I am so very sorry to hear this. I hope you are doing alright. We are here for you if you need to talk.

Raelene said...

I'm so sorry.

Noelle said...

oh, i'm so sorry. i know how you're feeling...we had a suicide in our family this past june. it is awful and there are so many unanswered questions. you're in my thoughts. stay strong...i wish you peace.

Sarah said...

I feel for you, and am so sorry to hear that. You are in my thoughts!

Tiffany said...

i am so very sorry for this- and for his children. it is all i can think to say.

Homemaker Man said...

We are sorry for your loss.

Chantel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently went through the same thing. We just found out that his autopsy showed his death was intentional. We're all pretty much floored. He hid what he was feeling so well.

Amy said...

Oh, my heart aches for you! I am so sorry!

Kimberly said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Personally, I believe that God is compassionate not damning. If anyone understands the situation that the person was in...it would be God.

Prayers and warm hugs!

Seraffyn said...

I'm very sorry for the loss your family, and his immediate family, is experiencing - and also for the additional pain everyone must feel as they try to sort out and understand his choice. I thank you for posting, though, because I agree with the other poster above -it is brave of you to post this, and bringing this subject out into the light might save a life, by letting them know there is help and the possibility of a brighter tomorrow.

mudmama said...

I am so very sorry to hear that.
Huge hugs to you and yours

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I am so terribly sorry to hear about the loss your family has experienced. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts. Many hugs and much love and support to the entire family of the person who is no longer with them.

Michele said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Suicide is an ugly beast, and a much more complex form grief for those left behind than any other.
I lost the long time love of my life to suicide about 12 years ago now. It was absolute hell. Not sure how I survived. I couldn't find blame in Cancer, or a car accident, only the soul I was missing. It jolts you into a very bizzare state of mind. I joined a support group and that help tremedously. but still, not a day goes by. . . .

Screw what other people think about what happens when we die. Did deep in your heart, the answer is there. My boyfriend was catholic (double whammy there) and yet the Father still held a funeral service for him. He talked about his life, how deep his despair must have been, and the importance of helping one another. I was beautiful. I dunno, just sayin.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Darlin.

Saranne said...

My heart just goes out to you during this terrible time....Like you, I have lost two family members to suicide - my father and 22-year old nephew. The God of my understanding is a compassionate God, and I believe that those who choose to take their lives do so because the pain of living so overshadows the pain of dying. The thoughts doing the same at certain points in my life, but I am grateful that I sought help and was able to receive wonderful support and assistance during those times.
I believe that our loved ones are at peace, while we who survive must deal with the unanswerable questions of WHY....it takes time to come to accept the answer that we will never know WHY...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones during this difficult time. OX

Robyn said...

I am so sorry to hear this. *Hugs*...

Brian Miller said...

my stomach lurched just reading the title. i am so sorry to hear. we have been visited by that demon...it is so hard to understand.

qandlequeen said...

How horrible. I am so sorry for everyone touched by this loss.

Buckeroomama said...

I am so sorry to hear this. The pain must have been utterly unbearable that he just wanted to end it.

brainella said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ed Adams said...

Sorry for your loss.

panamamama said...

So sorry... My 15 yr old cousin killed himself this past spring. I still can't get my head around what he was going through or why/how.

"And so our stories go..." said...

So sorry about this. I've been affected by suicide twice...it is a terrible loss. So sorry.
Mary

Shannon said...

So sorry. Will be thinking of you and yours.

Christina said...

Hi, Im adding you. Im just kind of scrambling aorund looking for blogs to read but that subject is fresh on my mind these days. I lost my father to it a few years back. Im sorry for your loss of course and I know how anguishing it is for a long time.

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I'm so sorry for what you and this person's family are dealing with. It is selfish, but it is also hard for people who haven't dealt with that kind of depression to comprehend. People really need to keep their beliefs to themselves; seriously, what good does it do to say something like that?

AmyLK said...

So sorry for your loss. All you can do is be there for his family and yourself.

Juliana said...

I just found your blog....and it amazes me how we are all connected at the most amazing times. i was going to post something today, but decided to wait. I lost my brother in April. My baby brother. He shot himself. I miss him ever single day. I cry every single day. Some people say that suicide does not end the pain, it just takes the pain they had and gives it to someone else. Others say that the pain to go is sometimes less than the pain to stay. Another person will say who are we to say that someone has the right to live but not die. So many opinions. I really want you to go look up this song. It is by Rascall Flatts and it is called WHY...it is suicide song and I hope it helps you and your family. Please feel free to email me anytime survivorjewels@gmail.com. You may also read my blog about my brothers dead I think it it titled crushed from APRIL. I am in the middle of writing another one now I just have not posted it yet....

Flory said...

So sorry for your loss, and your family's. Last year I received news that my friend's husband had died. He was in his early thirties. He shot himself in the head leaving a wife and son. Depression is a sickness, and that can be difficult for the person, and those around to understand.

Amo said...

I'm so sorry for the loss in your family. I also do not believe in a God where people who commit suicide go to Hell, if there even is such a place. I went to the funeral of a friend once who had committed suicide, and the pastor talked about him going to Hell. I was appalled.

Sunday said...

I am so so sorry Dawn. Suicide is heartbreaking for those left behind.
I will say a prayer for you and your family during this difficult time.
I also pray that those who don't have anything helpful to say...don't.

Matty said...

Gosh, that's awful and I'm so sorry. There was suicide on my wife's side of the family, and I can understand your feelings.

Unknown Mami said...

I am so sorry.

I'm also shocked that anyone would tell you that your grandfather was going to hell. It seems awfully judgmental and inappropriate. Who are we to judge? Obviously people who take their own lives must feel like they are already in some kind of hell.

r u s s said...

Oh dear. I am sorry to hear about this. And I'm on the same page as you are, " .. do not believe in a God that is lacking in compassion."
Then it makes me think, if it's really the god or it's just the religion ─ then it might be something that people are trying to impose. Don't mind me, just thinking out loud.
••
Don't mind those people who tell you that you're grandfather is going to head there. I think it's a little insensitive, especially if these people are friends too.

Tammy said...

First I want to extend my prayers and sympathies to you and your family. I have had suicides in my family/friends. Strange as it may sound I had to write my thesis on Suicide when I was in college...and even stranger was during that time my boyfriend actually committed suicide. Talk about irony....

My name is PJ. said...

I'm deeply sorry to hear of the suicide. I can't imagine the torment felt by you and his other loved ones, nor can I imagine the torment that brought him to such an act.

I come from a family riddled with depression and substance abuse problems and have seen the aftermath of suicide attempts,but never been affected by the act itself. I'm very, very sorry.

Suz said...

Saying that I am sorry seems inadequate. We can't even imagine the pain he was in. In his mind, he thought this was the way to make it better. He was not thinking of his family or what this would do to them, he wanted the pain the end.

Maybe you can take comfort that he is no longer in pain. And that it is no ones fault. There was probably nothing anyone could have done to stop it. No one should take blame.

I, too, feel that God feels compassion for these people. He may be sad that they chose that way out instead of coming to Him but he made us and he understands.

Mrsblogalot said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. Normally, I would think to say -what can I say that hasn't already been said, after reading such lovely and supportive comments to make you feel better but that's just it...everyone's words count. Even if the've already been said.

They matter to someone and can help when you might not even realize that someone needs it.
It also reminds me to look a liitle deeper.

My thoughts are with you and your family

Ali said...

Oh no, sending you and your family my condolences along with lots of hugs!
Dealing with loved ones death is hard but when its at their own hands its even harder.

Nahl said...

oh my God, I don't believe this! I wonder what sort of things push people to such a point.
I have too thought about ending my life, but I have never had the courage to do it.
In my religion,too, it is believed that one who commits suicide is sent directly to hell and I think it's there to discourage people from doing it. I think personally though, at the end of it, God will forgive everyone inshaAllah. After all, He is the Most Merciful.
Btw, you left a comment on my blog implying your interest in "sisterhood of the blogosphere". If you DO want to take part please mail me your facebook link, your blog URL and name at nahlu@live.com as soon as you read this.
Thanks!

Nezzy said...

I'm so sorry for you and your family to have to endure not only the loss of a loved one but the tragedy of how it happened. My heart goes out to you all. I pray you find comfort and peace.

Joshua said...

For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

The Wifey said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. My grandfather died a really awful death a few years back and the person responsible tried to tell everyone that he had committed suicide. Until we found out the truth, I had to deal with people saying the same terrible things.

I have otherwise not had to deal with suicide in my family and can not even begin to fathom. I've been to dark places, I think we all have, but I wouldn't trade the things that make up my life for ending my life, you know? Again, I'm sorry. :(

Momma Such said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Last year my cousin took his own life. He had small children and it was very hard for us all to understand. I do believe that there was something wrong with him that he needed to see a doctor for and deal with. It's hard when you just don't know what was going through their mind or why they chose that way out. I hope that your family is doing ok with this tough loss. ((HUGS))

Angie Muresan said...

I am so very sorry for your grief. I have been there years ago, and it isn't a pretty place to be. Let people talk all they want. Sending you and his family lots of hugs and comforting prayers.

Life Laugh Latte said...

I have 3 close friends that lost a parent to suicide. It is so tragic, and I'm so sorry. You are absolutely right about the compassion God has. None of us can comprehend that kind of understanding and love. He doesn't leave people in their darkest moments...He is there! Good for you for seeing through those painful words. Holly

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Holly said...

My heartbreaks for you and for the family of this person. I cannot imagine the pain and sense of loss. I am sending prayers and warm thoughts our way.Take care of yourself.
Holly

Homesick Cajun said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! I honestly think suicide is one of the hardest things to deal with and understand. My son's father shot himself this past August and someone told me the same thing "he's going to go to hell!" I can't begin to tell you how hard I had to bite my tongue...I was at work at the time so I couldn't say what I wanted to. She didn't understand that the people he left behind were going through hell.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Kisha said...

I get so mad when people say awful things about others who have committed suicide. A person can never understand unless they've been there. On that note, I almost hope they would never understand because I wouldn't wish that depth of pain on anyone. I have been in that place before, and I would just wish for a little more understanding for the kind of pain that leads someone to take their own life.

Great post. Thank you so much for sharing.

Kisha

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh my gosh - I don't even know what to say, but that I'm so sorry. :(

Just Breathe said...

I have a friend who lost her 13 yr. old son to suicide 10 years ago. I also have felt this way so many time but I too called the doctor. Life is hard and feeling lower then low happens. I too believe in a God who will take them into Heaven with Him. I actually started a blog last June and the idea had come to me 10 years ago after I sent my friend a handkerchief when I returned home from her sons funeral. If there is a mother you would like me to send a handkerchief to, to catch her tears, please let me know.
For Your Tears

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