I've started this post about 10 times, and I keep deleting, retyping, deleting...my mind is so scattered lately that I'm having a hard time thinking coherent thoughts. We had a suicide in the family this weekend and I've been talking to my brother on the phone about it for the last hour. It's one of those acts that is so difficult to comprehend. In the darkest depths of my depression, when it physically hurt to get out of bed, when the thought of another day would send me into an anxiety attack, I never once reached for the gun. I won't deny that I thought about it, but instead, I went to the doctor and had my meds changed around. And here I am. Alive. When there are so many who choose not to be. I think about the children he left behind, his wife, his parents, and I hurt for them. Is there any worse way to lose a child? It's a selfish thing to do, yes, but who are we to judge?
My grandfather shot himself in the head a few years back and a "friend" told me he was going to hell for it. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I for one, do not believe in a God that is that lacking in compassion. To imagine the magnitude of the kind of despair, the kind of hopelessness that would bring someone to that end...it's heartbreaking. And my heart breaks for those who were close to him, to those who thought they could brighten his day, to make it all better, when they couldn't. No one can.