Today I was going to write about the Christmas party my husband and I went to this weekend, but then I read a post from How to Not Write a Book and it is possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read. So I begged her to be a guest blogger today. Fortunately for you, she agreed.
And without further ado, I bring you...
The Waylaid Wordsmith.
All I Want for Christmas
We are all sick...again. I've had a really rotten week that's still too fresh to be able to make it sound amusing, which has left me a little short on blogging inspiration.
I could whine and complain at great length, but I thought out of compassion for my friendly readers I'd forgo that option. Instead, I decided to try and get in the holiday spirit by telling you all about what I want for Christmas. The must-have item of the year. The gift that every frazzled mommy should get:
That's right. Don't look at me funny, because I know you want one too.
Your shiny new Christmas wife will be the answer to all your problems, it's true! She will remember to defrost a new loaf of bread when the old one gets used up, and she will clean the bathtub before the layer of grime becomes visible. She will let you sleep in on weekend mornings and take naps when you're sick. Your wife knows all the baby's favourite hiding paces for the remote control, what size pieces to cut the kids' food into, and where you keep the extra tissues/tuna/matches/phonebook.
Your wife will be the keeper of all obscure and mysterious information, like "What's for dinner?" and "Where are all my black t-shirts?". She remembers all birthdays, anniversaries, and special events so you don't have to. She can install a carseat properly without the instruction manual and isn't afraid to wipe a snotty kid nose with her sleeve or glove if no tissue is available.
Your wonderful wife knows when you're running out of things and how to turn on the vacuum. She picks up toys off the floor instead of tripping over them and leaving them there, and she knows that there is no magical dishwasher-emptying fairy. She puts clothes in the dirty laundry basket and hunts the rest of the house for the renegade items that somehow end up in every nook and cranny.
She knows where you left your lighter/book/wallet/sunglasses/keys, and how much money is in the bank and when the bills are due. She gets the kid to school on time and the baby to take a nap.
She is a near-mythical creature, this coveted wife. No, don't worry about your to-do list. She did that already. Just go have some coffee, she made a fresh pot.
So get out your pen and paper and start writing that letter to Santa, ladies! You want to get your request in early before all the good wives are spoken for.
Now, run on over there and follow her. All her posts are this funny. I promise.
Maybe I'll write about the party tomorrow...