Monday, December 7, 2009

Guest Blogger! All I Want for Christmas

Today I was going to write about the Christmas party my husband and I went to this weekend, but then I read a post from How to Not Write a Book and it is possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read. So I begged her to be a guest blogger today. Fortunately for you, she agreed.

And without further ado, I bring you...

The Waylaid Wordsmith.



All I Want for Christmas

We are all sick...again. I've had a really rotten week that's still too fresh to be able to make it sound amusing, which has left me a little short on blogging inspiration.

I could whine and complain at great length, but I thought out of compassion for my friendly readers I'd forgo that option. Instead, I decided to try and get in the holiday spirit by telling you all about what I want for Christmas. The must-have item of the year. The gift that every frazzled mommy should get:

A wife.

That's right. Don't look at me funny, because I know you want one too.

Your shiny new Christmas wife will be the answer to all your problems, it's true! She will remember to defrost a new loaf of bread when the old one gets used up, and she will clean the bathtub before the layer of grime becomes visible. She will let you sleep in on weekend mornings and take naps when you're sick. Your wife knows all the baby's favourite hiding paces for the remote control, what size pieces to cut the kids' food into, and where you keep the extra tissues/tuna/matches/phonebook.

Your wife will be the keeper of all obscure and mysterious information, like "What's for dinner?" and "Where are all my black t-shirts?". She remembers all birthdays, anniversaries, and special events so you don't have to. She can install a carseat properly without the instruction manual and isn't afraid to wipe a snotty kid nose with her sleeve or glove if no tissue is available.

Your wonderful wife knows when you're running out of things and how to turn on the vacuum. She picks up toys off the floor instead of tripping over them and leaving them there, and she knows that there is no magical dishwasher-emptying fairy. She puts clothes in the dirty laundry basket and hunts the rest of the house for the renegade items that somehow end up in every nook and cranny.

She knows where you left your lighter/book/wallet/sunglasses/keys, and how much money is in the bank and when the bills are due. She gets the kid to school on time and the baby to take a nap.

She is a near-mythical creature, this coveted wife. No, don't worry about your to-do list. She did that already. Just go have some coffee, she made a fresh pot.

So get out your pen and paper and start writing that letter to Santa, ladies! You want to get your request in early before all the good wives are spoken for.


Now, run on over there and follow her. All her posts are this funny. I promise.

Maybe I'll write about the party tomorrow...

20 comments:

Andrea (ace1028) said...

I LOV3 IT! I'll have to go check out her site. And I totally agree. I would love one of me for the holidays! ;)

Momma Such said...

Ha ha! Reminds me of that country song. I don't remember the name of it but it's something about "Me and My husband, we need a wife!" lol

Great post! :) Can't wait to read about your party as well! :)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I love it. Off to check out her site
hugs hugs

Tiffany said...

hot damn--I just made a comment about this to someone. how the husband and i need a surrogate wife to do the cleaning and everything. seriously, she doesn't even need to be wrapped up in a pretty box. she just needs to be here.

blueviolet said...

I think she's really onto something here! We'd all be so much better off with a wife and a husband.

Noelle said...

yes, i'm working on my letter to santa now!

UberGrumpy said...

Hmmm. Speaking as the husband, do the usual, er, rights apply? And can we do this every year?

Angie Muresan said...

I certainly hope that I'm not too late in writing for a wife.

Susan Fobes said...

I never thought about another wife-I just wanted another me!

kys said...

It's funny because it's true! I will be following her.

Sarah said...

I want a wife!

Christie O. said...

dang, now i want a wife. does she do home improvement projects left over from 2008?

tattytiara said...

Very cute!

Amanda said...

I already have one. I keep her locked in the closet and take her out only when I need her.

I highly recommend getting one...

The Peach Tart said...

I so need a wife. Great post.

ModernMom said...

I've always thought two Moms would be better then one:)

panamamama said...

Cute!

Connie Weiss said...

I got a (sister) wife in August and she doesn't do half of that crap. She might be defective.

Carri said...

That is funny. I definitely want a wife for Christmas!

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