Monday, October 19, 2009

Pedophobia

I woke up this past Wednesday morning, my stomach a twirling pit of nerves. I felt like I used to feel when I had an oral report to do at school.

I did a quick rundown in my head of the things I had to do that day, trying to find the source of my anxiousness. I was going to have to wake up my 3 year old...that's scary, yes, but not the source. At eight am, I had that interview/conference call with Uma Thurman...yes, I was going to talk to Uma Thurman! The beautiful, classy, talented Uma Thurman! On the phone! About her new movie!



A bit nerve wracking, yes, but not the source. Then it hit me...

I was helping out at Nick's school that morning. It was me and a room full of kindergarteners. My stomach heaved. Yep. That's the source.

Never fear, I will post soon on the Uma Thurman interview. She's amazing, by the way, but this post is all about me (because isn't it always?) and my fear of kindergarteners.

Scolionophobia means fear of school, although I think in my case, it's more like Pedophobia, which is fear of children. And I do fear them. Especially other people's children. They're always so honest and they dart around like moths. They're unpredictable little creatures and I have a hard enough time coping with my own children. What would I do in a class full of five year olds?

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I shook at the thought.

So, after a nice tall glass of orange juice fortified with calcium and vodka, I went to school. I turn down the wrong hallway, but eventually find my way to his classroom. Apparently, it's reading time and all the kids are sprawled on the floor listening to the teacher read the book. Until I walk in, anyway, then all the kids are sprawled out on the floor and staring at me.

I awkwardly stood in the corner until they finished their book. (Which was about pumpkins, in case you were wondering.) Then I was assigned to "help" at Table 3.

"Sure," I say, smiling brightly, frantically looking around for Table 3. 25 pairs of eyes stare back at me. I'm wishing I had a paper bag to breath into.



They are all assigned tables and the teacher tells me to grab a chair and join them. So...I look around for chairs. There! Against the wall! Little, teeny, tiny chairs... I grab one and sit at Table 3 where we are doing "Letter Wheels". And I spent most of my time poking holes through paper so they could get the little clips through. And dare I say...it was fun! I had fun. I learned a lot of things. For example:

"Mumble, mumble," Vincent says to girl next to him.
"Vincent said a BAD WORD! He's cussing," says the girl.
"Vincent, that's not nice. We don't need to talk like that," I say, in my best grown up voice.
"Yeah, well my mom and dad cuss at each other all the time," he tells me.

Or:

"We used to have two cars, a big one and a little one, but my mom busted the little one."

Or:

"My dad never plays Playstation with me."

Or:

"My bike is broken and no one will fix it."

Kindergarten is very educational. So educational, in fact, that I volunteered to go back again.

29 comments:

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

Oh, I used to dread what might pop out of Aiven's mouth when she was in kinder, it's the age of word vomit!

Christella said...

I'm waiting for Uma. Loved the Kill Bill movies.

But little kids can scare anyone. You're very brave to volunteer again.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

So fun but yep, so honest. Good for you for braving the kinderkids and still wanting to go back for more.

That One Mom said...

How did you land the Uma gig? Way to go!!

You'll have even more fun with those kids once they're used to you. Then they'll really spill the beans!

Lunhatikk said...

WoW, way to go! I don't know if I could brave a table full of kindergarteners :)

I just wanted to drop by and tell you to go to my blog and receive a special award for being the awesome person you are :)

You can find it at this post:
http://lunhatikks.blogspot.com/2009/10/who-was-your-first.html

Not sure if there's somewhere you can put it, but it's yours xo

Michele said...

Being a former pre-school teacher, I got over my phobia of small children relatively quickly... but oh, I still remember being totally nervous around them.
You did great! So, cool of you. And you did the best thing you can do, just sit and hang with them!!

Um... what about this Uma gig??? What do you do in your spare time to land something like that? Please share.... you never cease to amaze me! So glad we met :)

Veronica Lee said...

WOW! That was really brave of you !!

I don't think I'll survive for even an hour!!

Molly said...

first Anthony Edwards, now Uma?!?! Can't wait to read it!

Kimi said...

Kids are scary! You're very brave to volunteer again. But yes you could start a popular gossip column with all the things a group of five year olds will tell you.

r u s s said...

I really liked Uma even when I was a kid.Ü I got really excited when I read that you were gonna interview her. Ooh!

Jenny said...

I fear other kids parents. xD They like to laugh at me because I am younger then them. ;(

Willoughby said...

I volunteered to help out every other week when my daughter was in kindergarten. The teacher always seemed to give me a project that the kids didn't want to do (math, usually). The kids would look dejected as soon as I walked into the room because they knew they would be working on a boring math project. I stick to volunteering for parties, now!

Charisse and Holly said...

Love Kindy. My favorite sayings from my lil guys class last year was "kiss your brain" and all the kids would kiss their finger and put it to their heads when they knew the answers. There is also "kiss your heart" when they were showing love to each other. Makes me all mushy inside to think of how sweet that is. Think we need to do it as adults. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

The Waylaid Wordsmith said...

I love little kids for that exact reason. They're freaking hilarious, and when they're not mine it also doesn't matter if they act like maniacs.

Maniacal toddler prevents me from helping out at kindergarten too often, sadly. How else to get the good gossip? ;)

I have to say, I wonder (and fear) what my daughter says about me when I'm not around. :P

blueviolet said...

Yes, it's really entertaining to hear all the "sharing" that little ones do.

I'm so glad you had fun! I always enjoyed that too.

Susan Fobes said...

That's so funny! I teach high school because a room full of little guys scares the bejesus out of me! I am so glad you survived.

Holly said...

I think I have pedophobia too! I loved wrong in my sons kindergarten class you learn the most interesting things about the kids and their families....gotta love what kids say!
Holly @ 504 Main

Unknown Mami said...

Wow, and you are going back for more?

Amo said...

Children in large numbers can be very frightening! Being outnumbered by them is never a good idea! What job do you have where you interview Uma Thurman?

I Wonder Wye said...

Yep, kids are an unpredictable element. Not having any and seldom being around them, they can kinda freak me until they get a bit older than that....wondering if Uma was a good interview?

Flory said...

Can't wait to read about Uma!

I can see why kids, especially at that age, would be scary. I can't stop laughing at the OJ fortified with vodka. LOL!

Staci said...

My son's Kindergarten class terrifies me too! I can barely handle him at home sometimes, let alone 30 of them!

But like you, I sucked it up, and ended up having a blast helping out.

Can't wait to hear about Uma!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I browsed and I loved what I saw.
You blog is beautiful!!!
Happy day:)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Over SITS

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Over SITS

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Over SITS

Alexandria~~The Mommy said...

Kids are awesome aren't they?!

I was at my church Tuesday night showing a new couple the nursery and this 3 year old was talking about how his mom and dad are trying to buy a house but all the lenders (yes he said LENDERS) are telling them no. So they live with Grammy.

I was like "Hmmm...wonder if they want us to know this"

Melissa said...

Very interested in this Uma story....and good for you for digging in and helping out in the K room...and for wanting to do it again! Way to go!

Nikki said...

"So, after a nice tall glass of orange juice fortified with calcium and vodka..."

This so cracked me up!! As a mom of a Kindergartener this year I totally feel for you. I'm volunteering for the school field trip this Jan. to the circus. Already wondering what the crap I was thinking. I already take antidepressants and I just have two kids!

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