I woke up this past Wednesday morning, my stomach a twirling pit of nerves. I felt like I used to feel when I had an oral report to do at school.
I did a quick rundown in my head of the things I had to do that day, trying to find the source of my anxiousness. I was going to have to wake up my 3 year old...that's scary, yes, but not the source. At eight am, I had that interview/conference call with Uma Thurman...yes, I was going to talk to Uma Thurman! The beautiful, classy, talented Uma Thurman! On the phone! About her new movie!
A bit nerve wracking, yes, but not the source. Then it hit me...
I was helping out at Nick's school that morning. It was me and a room full of kindergarteners. My stomach heaved. Yep. That's the source.
Never fear, I will post soon on the Uma Thurman interview. She's amazing, by the way, but this post is all about me (because isn't it always?) and my fear of kindergarteners.
Scolionophobia means fear of school, although I think in my case, it's more like Pedophobia, which is fear of children. And I do fear them. Especially other people's children. They're always so honest and they dart around like moths. They're unpredictable little creatures and I have a hard enough time coping with my own children. What would I do in a class full of five year olds?
I shook at the thought.
So, after a nice tall glass of orange juice fortified with calcium and vodka, I went to school. I turn down the wrong hallway, but eventually find my way to his classroom. Apparently, it's reading time and all the kids are sprawled on the floor listening to the teacher read the book. Until I walk in, anyway, then all the kids are sprawled out on the floor and staring at me.
I awkwardly stood in the corner until they finished their book. (Which was about pumpkins, in case you were wondering.) Then I was assigned to "help" at Table 3.
"Sure," I say, smiling brightly, frantically looking around for Table 3. 25 pairs of eyes stare back at me. I'm wishing I had a paper bag to breath into.
They are all assigned tables and the teacher tells me to grab a chair and join them. So...I look around for chairs. There! Against the wall! Little, teeny, tiny chairs... I grab one and sit at Table 3 where we are doing "Letter Wheels". And I spent most of my time poking holes through paper so they could get the little clips through. And dare I say...it was fun! I had fun. I learned a lot of things. For example:
"Mumble, mumble," Vincent says to girl next to him.
"Vincent said a BAD WORD! He's cussing," says the girl.
"Vincent, that's not nice. We don't need to talk like that," I say, in my best grown up voice.
"Yeah, well my mom and dad cuss at each other all the time," he tells me.
"We used to have two cars, a big one and a little one, but my mom busted the little one."
"My dad never plays Playstation with me."
"My bike is broken and no one will fix it."
Kindergarten is very educational. So educational, in fact, that I volunteered to go back again.