Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Beer, Candy and Karate! Oh My!

My husband likes to fill out those little "Win Me" cards that you see all over. In the mall you can "Win this Car!"! You know the ones. I don't do it because I used to work marketing in a mall and I know that no one "wins" anything. They take your name and number off your entry card and then the dealership comes and gets the loaner car. After seeing that, I've assumed that all those are rigged like that.

But my husband actually won something! Sort of. He won 2 months of free Karate lessons for our son. Yay! (I've since discovered that everyone who entered "won", but still...I don't know if I'll tell him that. Don't want to burst his bubble...)


Tonight was the orientation. My husband was working late and then had a meeting at the fire department, so I had to bring all three of the kids with me to the karate place. I thought it would be ok. I really did. It's just an hour. No problem.

The sensei gave a very serious speech about respect and distruption and decorum. So of course, the baby starts crying. I desperately dig through my purse for the goldfish. He immediately throws them on the floor. Ok, lollipop? There has to be one in here...rifling through my purse...AHA! The wrapper is kind of...well, it should be ok. Candy doesn't go bad, right? So I pop the thing in his mouth. Ah. Silence. Then the daughter wants one. I don't have one. But I do find a roll of smarties! Yay! Happy kids! I am able to watch Nick out there, kicking and spinning and having a great time. All the while I'm thinking about this post over at Let's Have a Cocktail. (Really...let's...) I am setting them up for life in prison. I just know it.

I'm wearing my crummy jeans that bag in all the wrong places, a long sleeved Wal-Mart shirt and an ancient black sweatshirt. My hair is twisted up in its customary twisty/bun thing. The mom sitting across from me if dressed in designer clothes, head to toe, black, heeled knee boots, holding her Coach bag on her lap. I can't help but think that the thing probably cost more than the stroller I'm aimlessly moving back and forth to appease the beast who rides in it. Even though I'm not the kind of person who would wear a sweater with the Guess logo emblazoned across my boobs in rhinestones, I can't help but feel...eh. Frumpy.

Then to make things worse for my already tender ego, the candy did not work long and I ended up spending the entire hour outside, in the 40 degree weather with my two youngest. The baby cried and screamed and beat on the windows. Delaney ran up and down the sidewalk in her slippers, shouting random things.

Yay for karate!

I was totally and completely "that mom" tonight. So, when orientation finally ended, I went to the liquor store. Next time I'm going before class. After all, isn't that what the cup holder on the stroller is for?
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22 comments:

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm here from Veronica's blog. I had to join...you had me at Scrabble and the love of books and the funny antics of being a normal mommy. I'm now a follower.

That One Mom said...

Ahhh, I remember those days... It's so rewarding, isn't it? ; )

Unknown Mami said...

Cheers Mama! Maybe next week you won't be that mom.

One Chic Mommy said...

Lmbo, that was to funny(although I'm sure it was not funny at the time)! Don't worry just find comfort in knowing you are not alone( I bribe my kids all the time, i just hate when I have to give them candy cause that then means there's less for me to eat ;)..).
You were really speaking my language when you hit the liquor store, that is my saving grace at least 2 to 4 times a week!

Michele said...

I just can't say enough about how much I love your posts. This one made me laugh out loud, real audible laughter.

And relate?? Oh how I can relate. Much the same experience last week..I had been wearing the same yoga pants for 2 days, hair askew with the grey roots showing, and peanut butter and toothpaste dribble on my shirt. I also sat beside "coach purse" lady.

And yes, that is definately what the cup holder should be for!!!!

You have such an amazing writing style (all kidding aside). I LOVE reading your posts. Sometimes, I read them twice.

Michele

JennyMac said...

Of COURSE that is what the cupholder is for!

Thanks for the link...:)

Veronica Lee said...

I totally covet that Coach bag!!

I agree with Michele, your writing style rocks!!

Nikki said...

I've had days like that. I feel for you. Not too long ago I had that kind of a day at the vet. Had to take my two kids and German Shepherd. Dog was great...kids a nightmare. Unfortunately I don't drink. : (

HS said...

Wow! Speaking of blogs...yours is AWESOME!! This is great stuff to read and I'm not even a mom. But, I feel I can still relate. I have just discovered the addiction of blogging and reading blogs...hey, at least you won't find me on a national TV show where I need an "intervention"! This is healthy to blog-stalk a bit right? WEll..I will be back regularly too.

Charisse and Holly said...

I remember those karate days with small children. Finally gave up and did curbside drop off and told her I'd be back after class. She was only 6, but I thought hey...it's not like those guys can't protect her...right? Plus every other mommy was there watching. Did they need another set of eyes?LOL Enjoyed the post. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Ladybug Mama of 2 said...

Sometimes I think that's exactly what the cup holder on the stroller is for. I'm always that mom. Very rarely do I go to things like that looking decent. I should really start. Thanks for praying for my friends. It means so much to me.

Momma Such said...

Haha! I'm laughing about the cup holder on the stroller comment! So funny! Don't you hate when you are rushing around to get somewhere and the person next to you looks like they have spent 3 hours getting themselves ready? How the heck do they find time with kids? I never did understand!

Christella said...

Wonderful story and writing. All mothers will sympathize. I used to tell a young mother I know, "It will get better." After about five years of this she approached me one day and said, "It finally got better. Thanks." That picture of the monkey is priceless.

Susan Fobes said...

I love this! Make that two cocktails please... LOL!!!

blueviolet said...

If anything calls for a drink, that does!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

YES that's what the cup holder is for!!!!!!

Mama Kat said...

I would have been cursing my husband and those stupid cards the ENTIRE time! How miserable...cheers!

The Waylaid Wordsmith said...

What, rhinestone jugs aren't your idea of high fashion? ;P

And yes, that's what the cup holders are for. That and coffee. Like I said a while ago...no cup holders is a stroller deal breaker for me!

Sorry you had such a rough evening. Take solace in the fact that it made for highly entertaining reading! If you ever feel like moving just a tad north, I'll watch your baby while you go to karate! I have this theory that if our youngest children ever meet, their high-maintenance, mommy-obsessed, screeching-prone ways will cancel each other out, and they will instantly both become laid back and easygoing.

A girl can dream, right?

Elizabeth said...

So funny! I'm sure it wasn't at the time though. My favorite friend is a girl who can take moments like these and really make people laugh about them after the fact :)

Jess said...

My husband and I went to a "home expo" once where we filled out a ton of those drawing slips....we had telemarketers calling us for about a year!

Jess
Presto Manifesto

Michelle said...

This may be your best post yet! "That Mom." Funny how you can just say those 2 words and instantly everyone knows exactly what you're talking about. I'm "that mom" when I drop babygirl off at pre-school in the mornings. I'm "that mom" in the grocery store where you can trace our tracks but the trail of goldfish behind us. I'm "that mom" when anyone decides to do the dreaded pop over at the house. I'm "that Mom" at playgroups where my son is the only one launching fruit loops through the air while banging his head on the aquarium that put together Mom somehow found appropriate to have stationed at hand level.
It was such a relief to see that someone else gets it too. Knows what it feels like when you catch a reflection of yourself by accident in the mirror and wonder,.."what the hell happened today?" I've been on both sides. I actually had 2 sweet Momma's come up to me once while shopping. I only had my oldest with me so there was actually a chance for me to be put together. Youngest makes me look like I just started parenting yesterday. They told me how stylish I was and how they wished they could be so put together. I was so grateful for the much needed compliment that I embarassed myself by going into too much detail. If they only knew that the only reason why I was wearing a cute dress and some pretend Ugh boots was because there was literally nothing else clean in my closet!

Keep your post coming, they're fantastic!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Those goldfish people must be laughing all the way to the bank because their target market is "that mom" - LOL!

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