I have so much to do today that I’m paralyzed. I can’t think. I don’t even know where to start. So I sit here, and do nothing.
Yesterday was kind of a bad day. I was nauseous most of the day and I just didn’t have any energy. I couldn’t stop yawning. I don’t know if the latter is a symptom of the drug or a symptom of the illness. I was also a bit lightheaded for most the day. Driving was really difficult, mainly because I still can’t concentrate; I kept having to remind myself that I was driving. “Pay attention! You’re in a car! Driving!” but also because my vision seemed...off. Somehow things seemed farther away and a bit tunnel-like. Like looking through a fish-eye lense. I assume that
had something to do with the drug and the whole “detached” feeling I’ve kind of been having.
I woke up this morning, the hysteria bubbling just under the surface. I lost my temper immediately at D, my two year old daughter who wouldn’t stop crying. Some days I can’t take it. She woke up too early, thanks to N, her five year old brother. Since I’m out of diapers (how did I run out of diapers???) I asked her to get some panties so I could change her, and instead she laid on the stairs and cried because she wanted a diaper. Then she cried because she wanted cinnamon toast after I had already told her I didn’t have any bread (Out of bread, too???). N got mouthy, and makes these faces at me that just make me want to haul off and smack him. I put him in time-out instead. Rather calmly, I thought. The kids seem to have radar and know when I’m hanging on by a thread; they immediately start to gnaw on it.
One thing I’ve noticed (am I noticing things now, because the drug combo is kicking in, or am I naturally cycling out?) that the house is out of a lot of essential things. I usually don’t let it get this far. Diapers! How can I run out of diapers? I’ve been in this fog and haven’t been paying attention to the things I should have been. Which makes me nervous and quite honestly makes me want to go back up those stairs and crawl into bed. Hovering in the corners of my mind,trying to break in, are the towering piles of neglected things that I am going to have to deal with.
And I’m not ready. I am so not ready. God, I can feel the panic in my chest, trying to surface. It's hard to breath.