Thursday, July 23, 2009

Financial Chaos

My husband and I have a strange relationship with my depression. We don’t speak of it. Ever. It’s like it doesn’t exist. Granted, I think he misses a lot of it, being the workaholic he is. And maybe that’s for the best. I don’t know how to talk about it, either. He knows that I’m on medication and have been since before I met him, but I don’t think he completely grasps the implications of the depression. Obviously, the effects are hard to hide. Especially lately, I’ve been in the throes of one of the worst episodes I’ve ever had and that’s hard to ignore. But he still manages to sidestep it; the house is filthy but he pretends not to notice. I’ve fallen way behind on laundry and he never has clean clothes, so he’s taken to throwing a few loads in. When I say I can’t do it any longer, he laughs and says “sure you can”, thinking that I’m kidding. But the most obvious consequence of my lapse of reason has been our financial state.

That’s impossible to ignore.

For several months, I’ve managed to forget everything that I was supposed to do. I’ve lost important paperwork, I never sent in our car registrations, I’ve just been writing checks without writing them down in either our personal account or the business account. I honestly have no idea just how late we are on a lot of our bills. I mean, obviously, we’re late because the phone won’t stop ringing, but since I don’t answer it, I’m not sure. Since we still have a phone, I assume that the phone bill is relatively current. Although they did come to shut our water off the other day and I had to run to town hall and make a payment to keep it on. Being self employed, we have numerous tax bills, state included. We recently got a lien notice because we haven’t paid. I called, confused, because I had forgot we even owed anything. They said they had sent coupons and I vehemently denied ever receiving them. Then a few days ago I was looking through my “filing” (if you can call what I do “filing”.) cabinet and lo an behold, there before me in a huge brown package, still sealed, were the coupons that were sent about 5 months ago. We have another tax issue that I also know is my fault, I know I just never did it, and I’m so ashamed to admit it to my husband. I just need to fix it somehow. I’ve made such a mess of the checking accounts that now they’re both overdrawn. Not only did I not write anything down but the addition was wrong where I did try and figure it. Going over them last night with my husband was excruciating. I know he was frustrated and upset, but he never said anything to me, I could see it in the way he acted. That’s so much worse than if he’d just talk to me about it. As it stands, I think he just thinks I’m stupid.

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